But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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