Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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