my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
