After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
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