i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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