i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
