I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
