piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Say something about gay babies.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
