he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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