Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Im part way to drunk.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
