Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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