I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Randomize
