im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
