my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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