i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
