I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
