You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Im part way to drunk.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
