Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Sext me about skeletons
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
