Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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