People in love make me want to vomit
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize