I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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