just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize