new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
