Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
not ubering you a puppy
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