U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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