no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize