her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
