My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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