I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
