someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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