Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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