I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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