And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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