he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
We need to get me chipped asap
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
