Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
