Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Randomize
