I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
