You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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