his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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