let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
