Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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