Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
