I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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