I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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