1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
