kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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