I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
