we're chasing vodka with high fives
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
