Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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