we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
