So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
