I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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