Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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