accomplished twins. life is a go
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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