I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
This is classic penis vs brain.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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