You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
