After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
