If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
