woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
