Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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