god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
