there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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